Just remember to breathe, Bethany.

*warning: the following is me being a big fat ball of emotions, AKA stupid girl. read my nonsense at your own risk*

Monday is a big day for us, a big day that I am neither ready for or happy about. It is such a bittersweet step in our lives, and it's really a lot of mixed emotions. On Monday, Mason will start with the local school district in their PPCD (preschool program for children with disabilities, also referred to as an ELE - early learning environment) program. This is the program set forth by the state that takes over when children with disabilities turn 3. ECI (a program he is in now) services children up until 3, making home visits and really catering to the younger child. Now that he is turning 3, he will enter the school district for services. His school days will be 5 days a week from 9:45-1:45. The classroom is amazing, the teacher seemed great. The program is one of the best in this country (who would have known Leander had that! We just got our first grocery store for crying out loud!). It is structured, they learn the way he needs to learn, the teacher to child ratio is amazing, it's a brand new school with brand new everything, I could go on and on about all of the good things about this program. It's awesome, and exciting. And I know it's a program and environment that will help Mason blossom!

So, why does it make me sick to my stomach? My mind knows without a shadow of a doubt that this is what Mason needs. There are so many different ways to handle and treat these situations, and none are wrong. It's really a matter of what each family feels is right for them. And my mind knows this is what is right for Mason. I am not educated or trained to teach a child with special needs. I am of course the expert on Mason, but 'getting' how he works doesn't mean I know how to make everything work for him. And I just want to know at the end of the day that I have done everything I can to help him. I know he will blossom and grow. We have seen AMAZING improvements in Mason in the short time that ECI has been coming out. We went from a child that was only saying one word sentences, to a child that doesn't stop talking. Does it always make sense? No, but he is talking and trying and that is a miracle in itself right now. While my mind knows this will be wonderful for him, my heart aches. It is a reminder that this is real. This is our life, and this is what we have to do. Everyday I see Pervasive Developmental Disorder and Sensory Integration Disorder and Auditory Processing Disorder, but I don't think of it as a disability. I see an amazing little boy, who is brilliant, sweet, genuine, pure, giving, loving, and just plain beautiful. I see a miracle. I have been mighty successful about hiding from the labels, hiding from the disability. But sending my son off to special needs class, just puts a big fat spotlight on that which I hide from. It is really still so fresh, just a month ago we got our diagnosis and just 7 months ago we were ignorant to this. And every bit of my heart says, "What do you mean your 3 year old is headed off to an elementary school?!?!". This ISN'T RIGHT. This isn't supposed to happen, this shouldn't be happening to children. And it shouldn't be happening to mine! I hate it. Every bit of it. And as amazing and beautiful as my child is, I know there is a part of him locked inside and I just want him OUT. I feel like this is what we need to do to help his future, but it is just so hard. Lord, please guide me through this. I cannot do this alone.

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Phillipians 4:6-7